They Kept A Record Of Wrongs

Have you ever been asked to solve other people’s relational problems?

Sometimes you can help people, and other times once you get into a conversation you discover first-hand why they have the relational problems they have.

Sharing the Notepad

Eager to meet, this couple arrived early for their appointment. They wanted help from me in resolving their relationship problems with another couple. Wonderful! Getting help from others, even your pastor, when having relational troubles is an excellent choice.

Their problem was mainly between the wives, and all four of them had apparently met a number of times to work out their difficulties. The husband and wife in my office were deeply troubled because, in their view, they had tried everything to find resolution but were unable to get there.

Then he opened the folder. They were more than troubled, they were greatly offended. He mentioned to me that he had a list of all their interactions with the other couple, the offenses and their discussions with dates and notations. He wanted to review all three to four pages in his notepad with me, along with some biblical references.

I have never seen such a thing before. My first thought was that they were crazy—who does that?! My second thought was 1 Corinthians 13:5 NIV “[Love] keeps no record of wrongs.” I didn’t think the Apostle Paul was indicating that people would literally keep lists! The most disturbing observation however was that they didn’t seem to see anything wrong with their recording of others’ wrongs against them.

I refused to look at it or hear any of it, which baffled them. They kept insisting I examine the evidence and I kept resisting, trying to move to conversation in a more positive and productive direction to help them find better biblical resolution to their grievances. Their ire got the best of them and I just put a stop to the whole meeting.

Giving Departing Advice

Maybe I was too direct at this point, but I honestly felt very little compassion for them and was disgusted by their unbiblical approach of keeping an actual list of wrongs along with gross bitterness toward others. And this is because I loved them.

I knew both couples very well and was actually surprised that they couldn’t work out matters. Yet, I never heard a thing from the supposed offending couple. Later, when I mentioned my experience to them they seemed surprised to learn that their relationship with that couple was that bad. And they confirmed my conclusion that this other couple was emotionally unhealthy and spiritually immature.

Back to my office. They were beyond taking any counsel, but I thought it best that they hear some truth from me as their pastor before they left, and as I knew at this point, they would also leave the church.

So, I tried to gently point out to them that it seemed to me that they have had troubles with a number of other people in the congregation over the years, as well. They acknowledged it but were defensive about it. They demanded to know who and when and all the facts about each every situation—apparently I was supposed to keep such lists!

A second time I tried to help them see that they themselves were the common denominator in all my examples. Often when there were relational problems in the church, they were involved. They were confused. I further pointed out that others were able to get beyond disagreements because they didn’t keep lists. Lists will destroy the list-keepers and cause them to hate instead of love their brothers and sister, to keep grudges rather than forgive.

They were intent on leaving the church anyway, which was probably best for us all.  So I gave them some parting advice to work on their issue, because it would follow them wherever they went. It was not our church’s problem, but theirs and their future church experiences would be the same, if they didn’t face it and work on it. In fact, they could damage other churches, and continue to hurt others and themselves.

The meeting didn’t end well at the time. But, as the years have passed, I am more hopeful that it actually ended very well. It spared our church from divisive people and it has likely helped this couple heal and grow over the years. I still pray for them every time I remember this story and our uncomfortable conversation.